yesterday was brutal. (i wrote the post “if you are trying to quit anything PART 2”). but then it dawned on me in the evening that as much as the day was brutal, i was also being brutal with myself. and that beloveds, just was not acceptable! and so, i shifted my view on things and chose to be kind to myself.
my sister, the new yorker, often says to me “sweetie. you really gotta learn to see the wood for the trees”. it took me a while to get that and then i did. i’ve had a pretty fabulous few weeks recently and then i had a harsh 2 days, with yesterday being the worst of them, and i completely begin beating up on myself (NOT literally you! ;- )! i mean, really, how about noticing the fabulous few weeks i’ve had and upholding those and trusting that i will continue to be well? and so i decided last evening, to be super kind to myself.
S1: i make a firm decision that i will not allow the madness of “cake” into my house for the evening and the night. i do not promise myself about tomorrow. it is simply for one evening and night. that i manage to manage. i dont let it in.
S2: i get to the door of my apartment and i notice that it is actually looking quite dusty. just like that, i decide that i am going to do a major clean-up. i dash to the bedroom to drop off my bag and change quickly, before i have a minute to change my mind! i am fetching water, i have the duster in hand. i am finally washing my front entrance; now the balcony then i march resolutely into the kitchen to take on the dishes. i have dishes a mile high! :- ) i hate it! i begin washing. i wash so much that i begin to get angry! then i laugh at my anger at myself. i finish. i mop the floor. i motivate to mop the rest of the house. it is night and i just want to sit down. my house is clean! : – )
S3: i decide that i will even make dinner! this is rarity for me when my sweet daughter is away, like she is now. i got a huge mango from a kind family when i had dinner with them the other night. this will be my dinner. i peel it joyfully. it is so orange, it is amazing. i choose a blue bowl to contrast with it. i am cutting chunky pieces into the bowl. finally, i give up as the juice drips sexily between my fingers and i bite right into it. at this point, i am dripping all over my clean kitchen counter. it is so sweet. sweet like honey sweet and then it tastes like its been kissed sweetly by the sun. i bite it and i feel so much. i feel the soil that grew it, the water the showered it, the sun that kissed it, the people that loved it… i am feeling wonder and awe. i eat mango.
S4: i love “mona lisa smile”. (the movie.) it always manages to touch me, somehow. it inspires me to no end. maybe it is because of how transformation happens; and how we see the world and how that can be influenced by so much, top most in that list: art! i am sure it has something to do with the idea of working with young women too. (you will recall my post and joy at “presenting the daughters”.) i can watch this movie many times and have. its one of those. (along with “finding nemo”, “brokeback mountain”…). but this time, i keep remembering how sometimes, at the end there, when the girls cycle after their teacher who is leaving, i have days when that scene makes me cry like crazy. i cry until i am bawling! i mean, like seriously crying. the crying that has your nose running; filling tissue after tissue with watery mucus… i mean really. the works! that kind of crying. (i know, you think i am joking! :- ) i search for the DVD and can’t find it. suddenly i realise i may have lost it. oh, my bad. i let that go.
S5: i am sleepy and i want to pray but i also want to read everything! i pull out binyavanga wainaina. i pull out amy tan. i pull out martha beck. i pull out the bible. i want to read everything that may hint at something poetic and beautiful. in the end, i place them all beside me, they are falling over each other, i read the bible and i choose to be quiet and pray. i do. then i sleep.
S6: i woke up at some point in the night, afraid of something that i could not name. this happens sometimes. i calm myself back to sleep. i trust all is well.
S7: i woke up to lizz wright – song for mia. i rarely can take any music in the morning, preferring ridiculous quiet. but today, this felt just right: “song for mia” soulful like only lizz wright can. i carried her to work.
and so beloveds, here i am now at the beginning of another day. i decide that i will be kind to myself just for the day. i will hold myself gently. i’ll look out for me and i’ll see how it goes.
love, love, m
Sweet Fresh Love! 